I've been so stuck in my head. It started in August, I think. It was like one thing led to the next. One hurtful comment piled on top of another hurtful comment. One loss happened and then another, both personally and among our rescues (I hate calling them that) - our four-legged family. The expectations placed on me are always at a level 10, and if it falls short, I take the hit. One step forward, two steps back, until you're so far back over two months you don't know how to get back up. This is the best way I can describe it. It is a lot and it's overwhelming mentally and emotionally.
One woman who had my personal phone number, which I do give out to people because I genuinely care and want to communicate with those who want to help, who I have now blocked, would unload her hate onto me if I even said anything online about how I was feeling emotionally or mentally, and tell me to stop being a victim. Talk about a mind fuck. Here I am trying to be HONEST about myself and maybe why I seem distant or 'off' and that's what I get texted personally. Not once, but several times. It is crazy to me. When I do get personal, I am not asking for ANYTHING. I don't need it. I have gone through 41 years of a ton of hard times, and I am perfectly capable of trudging through it, and I know this about myself. I speak openly because I NEED TO. To me, I owe that to the amazing people who follow, support, and donate. If I am off, they deserve to understand why. This is a personal opinion of mine. The last thing I would ever want is for someone who believed in me to start second-guessing where my intentions lie. I am allowed to have a bad day. I am allowed to get into a funk. I am allowed to need a moment to take some time to get right. We all are allowed to set boundaries in order to stand up for ourselves, to allow the best of ourselves to shine forward.
What people have to understand is that everyone DOES matter to me. I cant post products people are selling to benefit the rescue because if I post one, I have to post them all or I get messages from hurt people who want to know why theirs isnt special or good enough. I GET THAT. If I share one persons story and not anothers, it is the same thing. If I do a Dice Roll Monday for one rescue and not another, it is the same thing which is why I have basically stopped doing it. I cant take the negativity on top of everything else. I want to help EVERYONE, it is who I am. I just cant take letting people down or knowing that one decision I made, made someone doubt their worth. That kills me.
I have just got to find a happy neurtral for me and stick to it. I love doing Dice Roll Mondays. I love that people are SO thoughtful they want to help by donating from their proceeds to help, that is SO KIND and so generous and selfless. I just have to find the best way to do it which is I THINK going back to the idea of having a link off of our shop directly to different businesses who are trying to help so that when I am at the auction I can make story posts with a link to THAT section that people can go to to pick what catches their attention and they can purchase that. (ANY IDEAS PLEASE LET ME KNOW!)
Maybe go back to doing Sanctuary Saturdays again where we pick collectively a rescue or sanctuary. or cause on Fridays, collectively, and thats the focus for that day. It spreads awareness and also helps someone who can use a platform that isnt as large as ours is. (Again, what do you think of this?)
When I signed up to start a horse rescue, NEVER in a million years did I think it would turn into THIS. EVER! I thought my sister and friends, and I, were just going to start rescuing some horses and donkeys, rehab them and adopt them out and that was what our rescue was going to be. Then it started growing. I started learning and THATS the problem. I am someone that strives off of learning and the more I learned the more disgusted and saddened I became that I couldnt NOT see what was going on. Once I saw, once I learned, there was no going back. That door was unable to be shut. I was born 100% a combo of my parents which means I cant step on a damn bug, I pull over for animals, I will help anything from an insect to a mouse to a bird to a wild dog, it doesnt matter. Dont even get me started on plants. God forbid a plant is dying it becomes my mission to try to 'rescue' it to bring it back to life. The Lowes Clearance section for plants is one of my favorite places to visit.
Letting people down. This time I was only given my moms genes. I have no back bone unless I am backed into a corner and then I snap. I HATE confrontation, probably because of the mental, verbal and physical abuse I took from my dad all growing up. Think holding me by my throat up against walls and rubbing blood in my face. I shut down mentally and start shaking and my brain shuts down. I cant think and go silent. My dad also held my sisters and I to the highest standards, which I appreciate now, but it has also caused me to be incredibly hard on myself. Add social media into this where now it doesnt matter what platform you are on, its all about views and likes. For me this is a mental game I have to play every day against an algorithm. The problem is, where most people want fame, I just want the damn horses to be seen so when something doesnt do well, or if I get shadowbanned, or the algorithm doesnt like what I made, it affects THE ANIMALS and THAT is what I get hard on myself about. It hurts THEM which hurts me.
I also have a horrible habit, which I have been trying to get myself out of having and I KNOW I am not the only one, of comparing myself to others online. What are they doing. How many views did they get. When I really get frustrated is when I see people with large platforms and they dont use it for good. They dont use it to educate. They dont use it to spread awareness about things that they show that they care about (but do they really?!). Its a mental battle I need to stop worrying about. Stay in my line.
Death. I take that personally. We lost baby Jewel, Fendys baby. This is one I havent been able to let go. It rocked me really bad. She was fine and then she was just gone which was either from a heart defect or she had an absess in her lung that ruptured even though she wasnt sick. It just makes no sense at all. My heart hurts for her and Fendy, and also Jen and her daughter who quite literally work their asses off for the horses 24/7, LITERALLY.
Tammy the emaciated black mare from the August auction.
Jefferson the bay thoroughbred from the August auction, his xrays were HORRIBLE
Baby Bennett, the baby donkey that was attacked.
Howard. The super skinny old man from the August auction.
Harvey. The sweet percheron gelding from the August auction with horrible EP
Marty, our 30+ year old arabian gelding. The more weight he gained the more crippled he got.
Lucille, from the June auction, had one eye. She somehow fractured her stifle out on pasture.
JP, a gelding we have had since 2021, in his mid to late 20's, started going downhill.
Gunther, whose stifles and pelvis were horrible, started not being able to walk.
Moxie, who we rescued locally, had cancer and her leg issues got to where she was painful even at a walk.
Mia. Sweet Mia, Clovers mom. She had a broken pelvis and started being unable to bear weight on her bad side. We knew this day was going to come. She ended up dying of a massive heart attack which was AWFUL!
Prince.I cant .even mentally go there.
Merle: We rescued him locally in April. He passed away at his fosters of old age.
June: we rescued her locally in May, she was the mule girlfriend to Johnny, whose knees were blown out.
Baby Tyler: One of the orphas from the June rescue, passed away from a ruptured absess in his lungs.
It's been a lot of loss in two months. It hurts.
The thing is, what really gets me the most, is that a lot of these horses were dumped because people KNEW there was something wrong with them and they FAILED to do something about it. Whether it be financial, just not caring, or a combination of both. THEY KNEW. Us as rescues and sanctuaries, then have to intake and figure out the WHY and then do the absolute best we can do to right by them. Sometimes we can help them and give them a long happy life. Somtimes we can give them months of what they should have had all along. Sometimes the kindest thing we can do is let them go.
You have to think of this corrupt system as a filter. It all filters down to the auction and the kill pen, for one reason or another. Horse traders will try to pick up as many of the 'better looking' horses to flip on the market. The crippled, the old, the maciated, the unhandled, the wild, the ex buckers, ALWAYS end up at the bottom of the bowl because NO ONE WANTS THEM. That is just reality. It costs too much money to take a chance on them and people are not going to horse sales to buy a crippled or elderly horse, that is also just reality. The average cost to train an unhandled, wild horse is around $6000-15,000 JUST IN TRAINING. So when you see me fundraising for $5000-$6000 I am still shooting myself in the foot. God forbit I post what it actually takes I will get crucifed by people who dont understand the reality of what it takes to do truly right by a horse. AND THATS IF the horse even wants to be a riding horse. You can fundraise to set them up for success and get two months into training and realize that riding just isnt the right route for them. HOWEVER, this is when you can transition those leftover funds to major medical cases, pasture only horses who take a lot of long term funding etc. The money NEVER goes to waste. It truly doesnt.
It is also just being lonely. Anyone who has commited to anything finds that it is a lonely road. AGAIN, I AM NOT COMPLAINING. I chose this path to walk I am well aware of what comes with that. I am, however, still a woman. I still always had/have that dream that someday Ill get married (or maybe just be together) and have the support of somone who is also my best friend that wants to support me. I am a hopeless romantic I cant help that. Its hard when youre 40 years old, never been engaged, never been married, and everyone you meet runs off because you own a lot of dogs and run a massive rescue. I GET IT. What grown man, who is established, is going to move into this tiny house with all my dogs, nonetheless open the door to his home to allow me and all my dogs to come in --- the odds are NOT in my favor. AGAIN, I KNOW THIS. I GET THIS. It just sucks.
Life is like going to the woods. Some people choose to camp and relax. Some people choose to go on hikes of various degrees of difficulty. I chose a hike that most poeple dont go on, so naturally it is going to be 'quiet'. Sometimes I venture to other trails hoping to run into people, but ultimately the hike I am on calls me back because I cant quit till I reach the top. Some people want to join me on the path Ive chosen but ultimately its a lot of up hill, cant breathe, no talking type of terrain. THAT also gets lonely and again, most people cant handle that. I CHOSE MY PATH, GLADLY I openly am hopeful someone will want to walk it in some form, some day, with me.
Yes, it's been quite overwhelming. There's more to it than what I've shared, and even though I feel mentally exhausted from expressing all of this, it seems like some of the weight has been lifted off my shoulders. The main aim was to share my thoughts and feelings by putting them out there. I want to assure you that I am still here, VERY present, and dedicated to advocating and being here for the horses. However, the past few months have just taken a toll on me mentally and emotionally. I am currently striving to navigate through this challenging period, seeking better approaches to improve ASIAB for everyone, every four legged family member, involved. Growth is a tough process, and it's never claimed to be easy.
Turbulence leads to strength, which leads to growth. I cannot grow this organization into what it needs to be to help horses and donkeys on a massive scale without myself growing to be able to handle THAT. Life is one giant process, and as hard as it is, I will keep stepping in the direction of making things RIGHT, FOR THEM.
Happy Sunday <3
Love, Tahlia
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